Imagine

I have had this on my mind for awhile now and have debated whether or not to write it or not. The subject of Christianity has been on my mind awhile now. With the current Orlando tragedy, there is no time like the present to put this out there, my thoughts on the matter. I was raised to believe in the Bible, believe in the 10 commandments. But that said, there are also the basic commandments to be kind, treat others like you would like other to treat you, work hard, lend a hand when in need, that you can always learn something,have respect for other people, love one another and to not judge others. Those were the other commandments I was taught to believe and do. I am baptized, a saved believer of God and Jesus Christ and have attended the same church for what will be 36 years this Saturday when I reach my 36th birthday. This has been one heck of a year for me, and as I reflect upon what the past 35th year has brought me and what i want for my 36th year, I realize some things are not right. Despite the fact that I am unable to attend Sunday services, that does not make me 'not' a christian. There were lots of times my dad did not attend church. My father always said, just because you sit in the church pews on Sunday does not make you a Christian...and by the same token because you are not in church does not mean you aren't a christian!! My dad always said at the end of the day, it was between you and God. he was the only one who truly knew your heart and who was going to judge you. I wish that were true. Christians judge. There is a list at my church that is published on a monthly basis to pray for people. Nice right? It's called the prayer of salvation list. It's a list of names to pray for people who are not saved/not Christians. I have always thought this to be judgmental, discriminatory and condemning. I have felt there should be a much better way to go about this f we are going to pray for people without naming people. I have never said anything. There was recently a very private nickname of mine that made the list..I know it was not meant for me. However, how do others know that? I really do not care. I know this list was started with the best of intentions, but lately I have learned a LOT of things were "just started with the best of intentions." As Christians, we constantly judge. I had a christian, whom i didn't know, recently say to me she was offended by a rainbow handkerchief that man had in his back pocket of his jeans. She was so proud she was a christian, but she was so scared and ashamed to say who she was. I found that ironic. Maybe perhaps she should not be so quick to condemn or judge the man who was just supporting the events in Orlando, the tragedy. You can never judge a book by it's cover. The woman type cast and judged the man and that was not right. I have a lot of friends who are homosexual who I am proud to say I love as friends very much. While, I am heterosexual; it does not matter to me. As, yes I AM a christian and I was raised to love unconditionally no matter what and not judge....and that is what I will continue to do and treat everyone the same. So, we need to not judge....hate less. This past year, and the recent Orlando tragedy serve as reminders for me to count every day as a blessing.

Something To Believe In

This year has been a tedious one in some ways...and in some ways with some things tonight, I am kind of at my breaking point, at my stopping point, at my limit. When nothing else makes sense, when the world around me is completely crazy and chaotic, I play the song "Something To Believe In" by the music group Poison. Why? There is a line in it that says about needing something to believe in and seeing the sign that says, 'Jesus Saves.' When nothing else makes sense in my life, God has been there for me through the high's and low's of my life. No matter what, God is always there and knows the plan of the journey I am traveling.

"El Camino Moments"

I have found myself wishing for a simpler times of late. In the the song, "Check It Out" by John Mellencamp, one lyric sings "where does the time go?" Where does the time go? As time progresses, society is taught and ingrained that technology is good. I am not arguing that it's not, however, whatever happened to those simpler times? The days of riding with my father in his 1984 white Chevy El Camino with the windows down and our hands dangling out the windows, feeling carefree...the days before being reachable by cell phones in a hot minute...where no one could reach you....it was just you and that person...riding around, having fun...locked in that memory forever. Cell phones are handy things, I have one, but I think sometimes everything can become a bit much in life sometimes and it's good to "power down" and take time for yourself...to have what I would refer to has an "El Camino moment." If I have learned one thing it is that life is but a breath and that we should cherish each precious one we get...and not doubt technology plays an important part for us to stay in touch and helps us capture those important moments, but it's good for us to take a time out...even for ten minutes...power down...get by yourself...look at a sunset, go to a park....have your "El Camino" moment by yourself or with that one you love....as times are short...and we all need that refresher, then get back there and go at that thing called life again and give it all you've got....

I Can't Do That Any More

For awhile now, I have known I have needed to make some long over due changes in my life. I have tendencies to procrastinate, however. Growing up, I have always strived to do the 'right' thing, to please. Maybe it's because I grew up as an only child, I don't know...but for a long while now what I do know is that I have lived to please others: relatives, my parents, friends, even acquaintances. What I have realized lately, what I feel God has been trying to tell me is that: "I Can't Do That Any More." I know deep in my heart that is not healthy for me to continue pleasing others, doing what others want and need me to do. It is not healthy mentally or physically. I think God has been trying to tell me that I need to take care of myself, first and foremost...or I might not be around to be with those I love. In the song, "I Can't Do That Any More" by Faith there is a line in the song that says "I used to dream about what I would be, last night I dreamed about the washing machine." Although, in the song she is referring to a particular relationship she is in with a man, I believe this line in the song can be understood by all. We all have dreams about what we would be, dreams and goals we had, etc. In my case, I used to dream about what I wanted and goals and dreams I had...but somehow along the way of life I lost sight of what those are. Yes I might have a few ideas if you asked me right now, but I had so many dreams and aspirations...and it was not that long ago that I had them...and not only did I have them, I had the will and capability to make those dreams and goals a reality....but as of right now, I would have no idea where to begin. For example:if we were getting together and you asked me where I wanted to go to eat or what I wanted to go do, my reply would be something like this: "I don't care," or "I don't know. What do you want to do?" This has happened numerous times with my mother and it infuriates her that I cannot make a decision or do not have an opinion. I have been so accustomed to being a people pleaser that somehow, I have lost sight of my goals, opinions, aspirations, dreams. Being such a people pleaser has not only affected my emotional well being but my physical well being too. I used to take great care in staying in shape, trying to be healthy. I have even let that go, letting my people pleasing come first and not taking time for my own health...In no circumstances am I blaming others for my people pleasing, I take full responsibity for my actions. However, lately I have began to look at my life: where I've been, where I'm at and where I want and need to be. Health wise, I can't continue to just stay here where I'm currently at: disregarding my emotional and health needs, going on pleasing others. Another line in the song goes, "a woman needs a little something of her own." That is where I am at in my life right now. I need to take time for me, other wise I'm walking dead. I owe it to myself to fight for ME. I realize for the first time in a long while, I have the right to be active enjoying my life....but if I continue on the current path, I know I will never get there. I know taking time for me: emotional and physical health is not going to be an ease journey, but I know "I Can't Do That Anymore"....(what I was doing).....

Glee

I have heard of the famous TV show "Glee". However, I have never watched it or heard it. Despite never having watched the show or heard the Glee cast perform, that did not stop me forming the opinion that I did not like the show nor would I. Same going for their singing: I had already made up my mind that I did not like nor would I. On an evening road trip last night, my best friend started talking about how great the show was and the casts performances as well. He said that he was one who judged too...while he had heard their performances and enjoyed them, he did not anticipate he would ever enjoy watching the show. Now, he is a big Glee fan and watches the show. Out of respect for my best friend, I listened to him prattle on about Glee as we made the journey home from our brief road trip to Magnolia, IL. So excited to share even more about his enjoyment of Glee, my best friend excitedly proceeds to pull out a Glee cd from the inner car console. I inwardly groaned, knowing full well what this meant: listening to the entire cd on the ride home. Quite honestly, I had been enjoying the quite still ride back to Peoria. My best friend and I are have a lot going on so it's quite rare that we get that much alone/down time to catch up and chat. So, when he produced the Glee cd to listen to, I immediately was down hearted thinking that we would be unable to talk, chat and catch up on the car ride home. However, as we progressed home, the Glee cd we listened to was actually quite good. I was surprised, finding myself singing along. It was a beautiful evening: full moon, stars out. Somewhere in the still of that night, as we passed thru the rural country side looking at the Christmas lights as we drove along the open road with the moon stars overhead and Glee cd playing in the background, my best friend and I continued to talk. It occurred to me that we were bonding, memories being made. I also was humbled as somehow I took an important lesson from that experience: to not judge a book by it's cover. Life never ceases to amaze me...how in something so simple as a car ride home with beautiful scenery, good company and the open road that a person can take a lesson from that and be reminded of something they always knew but perhaps needed reminded of.

The Curvy Road Life Takes Us On

Someone told me at the beginning of this year, that "this year would be my year." Little did I know all the things life had in store for me this year, and the year is not even over, we are only at the beginning of October!!


At the beginning of the year, many people make New Years Resolutions. I have every year, except the past 3 years. While I did not make resolutions, I did have things in mind I wanted to or would like to do that year. Each year would pass, and I would have nothing to show for it. As the end of 2009, drew to a close, I was miserable. Though, while some could probably tell a whole lot, I thought I was hiding it. I did to some extent, but not as well as I thought I was. I was miserable physically and mentally. At that point, I was discouraged, not knowing what I should do. Though, I was down and low enough I was willing try about anything to get back on track. Somehow, someway, I had lost my way, I had got off the path of the curvy road of life, sat down on a log and watched the world and life pass me by.



In some ways at the time, it was easier to sit on that and log and watch life pass me by rather than have to face the emotions and feelings that comes with dealing with the obstacles and challenges we face on the curvy road of life. I was wrong. While, in some ways, yes I was avoiding those challenges and obstacles on the curvy road of life and not having to deal with them, at what price was it costing me? I didn't realize it, but while I thought I was saving myself from have to deal with any current pain, grief, emotions I had not dealt with yet and needed to. But what I failed to realize was that I was missing out on an amazing journey. I was missing out on life.

Realizing you want to get up off the log you've been sitting on as life passes you by, is the easy part. You finally get the courage and stand up from sitting on the log, but where do you go from there? I felt like a little girl lost. For the first time in every aspect of my life I controlled my destiny. I decided which path of life to walk down and whether I should run, skip or slowly walk down it. This path is something no one really can prepare you for. However, before I could walk down the path and start enjoying my life, I had to first decide which path to walk down.



I knew of a diet program my Dr. was starting, besides that there was a weight loss competition at where I work. The weight loss competition at work I desparately wanted to participate in, but I made up my mind I didn't want to endure the embarrassement of not being able to weigh on their scale they used. The diet program with my Dr., he told me he wanted me to do it. I told him I would and was the first one to sign up. I signed up pretty much as I had tried everything else and was out of hope. I figured I had ntohing to lose, though I knew I needed to make a change, mentally and physically. At the time, I have to say I signed up pretty much because he told me too and out of obligation. I was not going to be doing the weight loss competition. I had did it in 2008, though the scale they used at work would not weigh me then. They let me weigh at home and tell the person collecting the weights (my supervisor at the time) my weight. Each week I did that. I know my dad was really proud I signed up to do that in January, encouraging me.



My own scale at home would not weigh me. The scale my dad had just got me for Christmas that year and was a really nice scale but would not weigh me as I was too heavy. I could still weigh on their scale my parents had at their house. My dad traded me scales, telling me that I could give Dad passed away in March and after that was when I went from having put on weight to going ot putting on a LOT of weight. I am not for one second blaming my dad or his death as an excuse or reason for why I gained all that weight. The issues of the weight gain were already there, my dad's death was simply the icing on the cake so to speak. The spark that started the fire on the logs already pilled there ready to burn so to speak.



However, I was unable to weigh on the scale he gave me for Christmas, but I was no longer even able to weigh on his scale-the scale he had loaned me "temporarily." So when 2009 rolled around and the weight loss competition started up again in January, I did not sign up for it. My heart was not in it. I had let my dad down. Deep down I wanted to, but I was embarrassed and too proud.

However, the person supervising the weight loss competition, came up to me at the last minute on the weigh in day and asked me again I was sure I didn't want to partcipate. I took her aside and told her the story of how the scale would not weigh me. They were still using the exact same scale to weigh people on. I was heavier now than I had ever been. So, if would not weigh me when I was 50lbs lighter, how in the heck would it weigh me now? She told me however I wanted to weigh was fine, that if I wanted to participate, regardless of how I weighed, I should. I said ok. We decided for the heck of it to go weigh me on that same old scale tha would never weigh me. God works in mysterious ways. I got on the scale and by some miracle it weighed me. Unbelievable!

With that, I enrolled in the weight loss competition at work. So, I was doing the diet/lifestyle change program thru my Dr. and participating in the work weight loss challenge. I still had my doubts, unsure and scared. I at the time had been friends with someone who encouraged me to go forth with this journey. The friend told me that I first had to be happy with myself and eventually everything else would start to fall into place. They said I had the right to be happy, that I deserved to be happy. I spent a lot of time mulling over what this friend said. Ultimately, I knew what the friend said was true. I really had my doubts in the beginning, but now I realize how right this person was.

Sadly, this person and I are no longer friends for reasons are not necessary or important to go into. However, I once heard that everyone is brought into our lives for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is a season, lifetime, etc. Regardless of what the reason or how long the season for our friendship, I thank God every day for this person and for my Dr. as without their pushing and proding and convincing me and reminding me that I deserved this, I would have sat down on that log again watching my life pass me by.

I'm still on the path I have chosen to go down. Same days I walk down that path faster than others, but that's ok. I realize now, while you are in a hurry to get to that end desitination of your path you miss out on the journey on the path. Sometimes on the journey of the path your traveling down, can be some pretty amazing views, events and scenery that you would have never imagined!

I look back at the year so far, and it's amazing how far I have come. I cannot believe some of the things I have accomplished...and while I look back in amazement, I know that there are just a little over 2 months left to this year...so again, I try not to wish time away. Instead, I try to focus on what the journey will bring. I still have days where I want to sit down on that log, but in the end I know I must keep pressing on other wise I will miss out on a lot. I owe it to myself, just as anyone else does, to enjoy the path and the journey of life, along all of it's bumps and curves that life takes us on.

Happy Birthday Skip

Every once in awhile, if you are lucky, you will find a person who is a friend for life. I was lucky enough to have such a person in my life. I was even luckier, that I had the distinct privelege of calling him my dad. My dad, Skip, was born 66 years ago today; August, 16th, 1944. He was the youngest of 6 born in Minonk, IL. He was born to his dad, Isadore, who worked for Illinois Central Railroad and to his mother, Minnie, who was a house-wife. He came from a small town in Woodford County.
Anyone that knew my dad Skip knew that he and I were inseparable. We were like peanut butter and jelly, we just fit. I was his baby girl, we had a bond that couldn't be broken. Even as I ascended into adulthood, he was always there to guide me. My dad had a big heart. I look upon this day as bittersweet....In the past it was always sweet as it meant celebrating another year of having my dad. When I was younger, I would often on his birthday wait for him to get home from work, being dropped off from carpooling. I would stand on the patio: streamers/"Happy Birthday" signs out, me in a costume and as he would pull up and get out of the car, I would have my music ready and perform a dance routine that I had made up, showing off my dance lessons.
This will be the 3rd year my dad has not been here to celebrate his birthday with me. I guess by now you would think I would be used to it. I'm not. In fact, if it's possible I miss him more than I ever did. My dad passed away on March 30, 2008 at 64 years old of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS). I think the first year, I spend much of it in shock or trying to be there for my mom. The second year much of it spent in denial. As what will be the 3rd year without Skip on his birthday and this March what will be the 3rd year anniversary of his death, I think it finally has set in that he's not here. Don't get me wrong, I always have known he was not coming back, but I just shoved it aside as I continued on with the motions of life.
This year, unlike the first two, I miss my dad and have needed him more than ever. Don't get me wrong, my mother and friends/family have been there for me in ways I never dreamed. However, in all respect, nobody holds a candle to the way my dad was there for me. Often times, words were not necessary...he knew what I was thinking, feeling and what I would do before I did it. I know, because of my belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, that my dad is still there for me...just in a different way and form. I try to think of what he would want and tell me to do. Sometimes I feel like I have let him down. But all-in-all, I still at the end of the day think he'd be proud of me and how far I've come all by myself. I know he'd be proud.
My dad was always someone who gave and gave of himself. This year, I have given my dad a birthday gift, a couple really. The first 'birthday' gift for my dad this year is the fact that he had bought a scale for me Christmas 2007, the last Christmas I would celebrate with him. I went to weigh on it. Embarrassingly, it would not weigh me. I felt like I had let my dad down. He traded me scales:he took mine and I took his, as his would weigh me. He told me when I got my weight down soon, we would trade back. What he didn't know at the time, was that after his death, my weight would balloon even more and I would be unable to weigh on the scale that was his that we traded. So the first birthday gift for my dad is that can I weigh on his scale (that he gave me when I had got bigger and couldn't weigh on the one he bought me). Not only that, but as of this past Friday (August 14th, 2010) I can proudly say the other part to his birthday gift, is that I can weigh on the scale he bought me. I guess he was right....he would get his old scale back...I figure better late than never. To date I have lost 70.3lbs. The second gift for his birthday, is that with the weight loss and his death, I realize just how precious life is. It can be taken from us in a second. He'd want me to live it well and enjoy it. I am doing just that:speed bumps and all.
There is a quote by Oprah that says, "Every birthday, you decide whether to mark it the end of your greatest days or the beginning of your finest hour." I hope this is the beginning of my finest hour!!