I Can't Do That Any More

For awhile now, I have known I have needed to make some long over due changes in my life. I have tendencies to procrastinate, however. Growing up, I have always strived to do the 'right' thing, to please. Maybe it's because I grew up as an only child, I don't know...but for a long while now what I do know is that I have lived to please others: relatives, my parents, friends, even acquaintances. What I have realized lately, what I feel God has been trying to tell me is that: "I Can't Do That Any More." I know deep in my heart that is not healthy for me to continue pleasing others, doing what others want and need me to do. It is not healthy mentally or physically. I think God has been trying to tell me that I need to take care of myself, first and foremost...or I might not be around to be with those I love. In the song, "I Can't Do That Any More" by Faith there is a line in the song that says "I used to dream about what I would be, last night I dreamed about the washing machine." Although, in the song she is referring to a particular relationship she is in with a man, I believe this line in the song can be understood by all. We all have dreams about what we would be, dreams and goals we had, etc. In my case, I used to dream about what I wanted and goals and dreams I had...but somehow along the way of life I lost sight of what those are. Yes I might have a few ideas if you asked me right now, but I had so many dreams and aspirations...and it was not that long ago that I had them...and not only did I have them, I had the will and capability to make those dreams and goals a reality....but as of right now, I would have no idea where to begin. For example:if we were getting together and you asked me where I wanted to go to eat or what I wanted to go do, my reply would be something like this: "I don't care," or "I don't know. What do you want to do?" This has happened numerous times with my mother and it infuriates her that I cannot make a decision or do not have an opinion. I have been so accustomed to being a people pleaser that somehow, I have lost sight of my goals, opinions, aspirations, dreams. Being such a people pleaser has not only affected my emotional well being but my physical well being too. I used to take great care in staying in shape, trying to be healthy. I have even let that go, letting my people pleasing come first and not taking time for my own health...In no circumstances am I blaming others for my people pleasing, I take full responsibity for my actions. However, lately I have began to look at my life: where I've been, where I'm at and where I want and need to be. Health wise, I can't continue to just stay here where I'm currently at: disregarding my emotional and health needs, going on pleasing others. Another line in the song goes, "a woman needs a little something of her own." That is where I am at in my life right now. I need to take time for me, other wise I'm walking dead. I owe it to myself to fight for ME. I realize for the first time in a long while, I have the right to be active enjoying my life....but if I continue on the current path, I know I will never get there. I know taking time for me: emotional and physical health is not going to be an ease journey, but I know "I Can't Do That Anymore"....(what I was doing).....

Glee

I have heard of the famous TV show "Glee". However, I have never watched it or heard it. Despite never having watched the show or heard the Glee cast perform, that did not stop me forming the opinion that I did not like the show nor would I. Same going for their singing: I had already made up my mind that I did not like nor would I. On an evening road trip last night, my best friend started talking about how great the show was and the casts performances as well. He said that he was one who judged too...while he had heard their performances and enjoyed them, he did not anticipate he would ever enjoy watching the show. Now, he is a big Glee fan and watches the show. Out of respect for my best friend, I listened to him prattle on about Glee as we made the journey home from our brief road trip to Magnolia, IL. So excited to share even more about his enjoyment of Glee, my best friend excitedly proceeds to pull out a Glee cd from the inner car console. I inwardly groaned, knowing full well what this meant: listening to the entire cd on the ride home. Quite honestly, I had been enjoying the quite still ride back to Peoria. My best friend and I are have a lot going on so it's quite rare that we get that much alone/down time to catch up and chat. So, when he produced the Glee cd to listen to, I immediately was down hearted thinking that we would be unable to talk, chat and catch up on the car ride home. However, as we progressed home, the Glee cd we listened to was actually quite good. I was surprised, finding myself singing along. It was a beautiful evening: full moon, stars out. Somewhere in the still of that night, as we passed thru the rural country side looking at the Christmas lights as we drove along the open road with the moon stars overhead and Glee cd playing in the background, my best friend and I continued to talk. It occurred to me that we were bonding, memories being made. I also was humbled as somehow I took an important lesson from that experience: to not judge a book by it's cover. Life never ceases to amaze me...how in something so simple as a car ride home with beautiful scenery, good company and the open road that a person can take a lesson from that and be reminded of something they always knew but perhaps needed reminded of.