I Can't Do That Any More

For awhile now, I have known I have needed to make some long over due changes in my life. I have tendencies to procrastinate, however. Growing up, I have always strived to do the 'right' thing, to please. Maybe it's because I grew up as an only child, I don't know...but for a long while now what I do know is that I have lived to please others: relatives, my parents, friends, even acquaintances. What I have realized lately, what I feel God has been trying to tell me is that: "I Can't Do That Any More." I know deep in my heart that is not healthy for me to continue pleasing others, doing what others want and need me to do. It is not healthy mentally or physically. I think God has been trying to tell me that I need to take care of myself, first and foremost...or I might not be around to be with those I love. In the song, "I Can't Do That Any More" by Faith there is a line in the song that says "I used to dream about what I would be, last night I dreamed about the washing machine." Although, in the song she is referring to a particular relationship she is in with a man, I believe this line in the song can be understood by all. We all have dreams about what we would be, dreams and goals we had, etc. In my case, I used to dream about what I wanted and goals and dreams I had...but somehow along the way of life I lost sight of what those are. Yes I might have a few ideas if you asked me right now, but I had so many dreams and aspirations...and it was not that long ago that I had them...and not only did I have them, I had the will and capability to make those dreams and goals a reality....but as of right now, I would have no idea where to begin. For example:if we were getting together and you asked me where I wanted to go to eat or what I wanted to go do, my reply would be something like this: "I don't care," or "I don't know. What do you want to do?" This has happened numerous times with my mother and it infuriates her that I cannot make a decision or do not have an opinion. I have been so accustomed to being a people pleaser that somehow, I have lost sight of my goals, opinions, aspirations, dreams. Being such a people pleaser has not only affected my emotional well being but my physical well being too. I used to take great care in staying in shape, trying to be healthy. I have even let that go, letting my people pleasing come first and not taking time for my own health...In no circumstances am I blaming others for my people pleasing, I take full responsibity for my actions. However, lately I have began to look at my life: where I've been, where I'm at and where I want and need to be. Health wise, I can't continue to just stay here where I'm currently at: disregarding my emotional and health needs, going on pleasing others. Another line in the song goes, "a woman needs a little something of her own." That is where I am at in my life right now. I need to take time for me, other wise I'm walking dead. I owe it to myself to fight for ME. I realize for the first time in a long while, I have the right to be active enjoying my life....but if I continue on the current path, I know I will never get there. I know taking time for me: emotional and physical health is not going to be an ease journey, but I know "I Can't Do That Anymore"....(what I was doing).....