Someone told me at the beginning of this year, that "this year would be my year." Little did I know all the things life had in store for me this year, and the year is not even over, we are only at the beginning of October!!
At the beginning of the year, many people make New Years Resolutions. I have every year, except the past 3 years. While I did not make resolutions, I did have things in mind I wanted to or would like to do that year. Each year would pass, and I would have nothing to show for it. As the end of 2009, drew to a close, I was miserable. Though, while some could probably tell a whole lot, I thought I was hiding it. I did to some extent, but not as well as I thought I was. I was miserable physically and mentally. At that point, I was discouraged, not knowing what I should do. Though, I was down and low enough I was willing try about anything to get back on track. Somehow, someway, I had lost my way, I had got off the path of the curvy road of life, sat down on a log and watched the world and life pass me by.
In some ways at the time, it was easier to sit on that and log and watch life pass me by rather than have to face the emotions and feelings that comes with dealing with the obstacles and challenges we face on the curvy road of life. I was wrong. While, in some ways, yes I was avoiding those challenges and obstacles on the curvy road of life and not having to deal with them, at what price was it costing me? I didn't realize it, but while I thought I was saving myself from have to deal with any current pain, grief, emotions I had not dealt with yet and needed to. But what I failed to realize was that I was missing out on an amazing journey. I was missing out on life.
Realizing you want to get up off the log you've been sitting on as life passes you by, is the easy part. You finally get the courage and stand up from sitting on the log, but where do you go from there? I felt like a little girl lost. For the first time in every aspect of my life I controlled my destiny. I decided which path of life to walk down and whether I should run, skip or slowly walk down it. This path is something no one really can prepare you for. However, before I could walk down the path and start enjoying my life, I had to first decide which path to walk down.
I knew of a diet program my Dr. was starting, besides that there was a weight loss competition at where I work. The weight loss competition at work I desparately wanted to participate in, but I made up my mind I didn't want to endure the embarrassement of not being able to weigh on their scale they used. The diet program with my Dr., he told me he wanted me to do it. I told him I would and was the first one to sign up. I signed up pretty much as I had tried everything else and was out of hope. I figured I had ntohing to lose, though I knew I needed to make a change, mentally and physically. At the time, I have to say I signed up pretty much because he told me too and out of obligation. I was not going to be doing the weight loss competition. I had did it in 2008, though the scale they used at work would not weigh me then. They let me weigh at home and tell the person collecting the weights (my supervisor at the time) my weight. Each week I did that. I know my dad was really proud I signed up to do that in January, encouraging me.
My own scale at home would not weigh me. The scale my dad had just got me for Christmas that year and was a really nice scale but would not weigh me as I was too heavy. I could still weigh on their scale my parents had at their house. My dad traded me scales, telling me that I could give Dad passed away in March and after that was when I went from having put on weight to going ot putting on a LOT of weight. I am not for one second blaming my dad or his death as an excuse or reason for why I gained all that weight. The issues of the weight gain were already there, my dad's death was simply the icing on the cake so to speak. The spark that started the fire on the logs already pilled there ready to burn so to speak.
However, I was unable to weigh on the scale he gave me for Christmas, but I was no longer even able to weigh on his scale-the scale he had loaned me "temporarily." So when 2009 rolled around and the weight loss competition started up again in January, I did not sign up for it. My heart was not in it. I had let my dad down. Deep down I wanted to, but I was embarrassed and too proud.
However, the person supervising the weight loss competition, came up to me at the last minute on the weigh in day and asked me again I was sure I didn't want to partcipate. I took her aside and told her the story of how the scale would not weigh me. They were still using the exact same scale to weigh people on. I was heavier now than I had ever been. So, if would not weigh me when I was 50lbs lighter, how in the heck would it weigh me now? She told me however I wanted to weigh was fine, that if I wanted to participate, regardless of how I weighed, I should. I said ok. We decided for the heck of it to go weigh me on that same old scale tha would never weigh me. God works in mysterious ways. I got on the scale and by some miracle it weighed me. Unbelievable!
With that, I enrolled in the weight loss competition at work. So, I was doing the diet/lifestyle change program thru my Dr. and participating in the work weight loss challenge. I still had my doubts, unsure and scared. I at the time had been friends with someone who encouraged me to go forth with this journey. The friend told me that I first had to be happy with myself and eventually everything else would start to fall into place. They said I had the right to be happy, that I deserved to be happy. I spent a lot of time mulling over what this friend said. Ultimately, I knew what the friend said was true. I really had my doubts in the beginning, but now I realize how right this person was.
Sadly, this person and I are no longer friends for reasons are not necessary or important to go into. However, I once heard that everyone is brought into our lives for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is a season, lifetime, etc. Regardless of what the reason or how long the season for our friendship, I thank God every day for this person and for my Dr. as without their pushing and proding and convincing me and reminding me that I deserved this, I would have sat down on that log again watching my life pass me by.
I'm still on the path I have chosen to go down. Same days I walk down that path faster than others, but that's ok. I realize now, while you are in a hurry to get to that end desitination of your path you miss out on the journey on the path. Sometimes on the journey of the path your traveling down, can be some pretty amazing views, events and scenery that you would have never imagined!
I look back at the year so far, and it's amazing how far I have come. I cannot believe some of the things I have accomplished...and while I look back in amazement, I know that there are just a little over 2 months left to this year...so again, I try not to wish time away. Instead, I try to focus on what the journey will bring. I still have days where I want to sit down on that log, but in the end I know I must keep pressing on other wise I will miss out on a lot. I owe it to myself, just as anyone else does, to enjoy the path and the journey of life, along all of it's bumps and curves that life takes us on.
